Boobs and Banana Muffins
I love my boobs. I’ve always loved them, even when I was slightly teased about them being small in high school I still loved them. I would give them a squeeze and tell the little ladies to pay no mind.
So why did I put them in boobie prison for 14 years?
I really do love my boobs. In fact, if you are one of my close friends I bet you’ve seen my breasties at least once or twice in the last year. If there is ever a socially acceptable time to be topless I am the first to let the ladies out. I think it’s ridiculous that girls have to cover them up all the time, it’s just nipples y’all, errbody got em. It’s not fare that guys can lay in the sand at our local beach here in Venice and feel the warm sun on their chest, the waves and salt water beating against them whilst I am constantly having to readjust or fiddle with my stupid bikini top. But I digress.
Breasts are the best, that’s why I haven’t worn a traditional bra in over 5 years.
When I say bra, I’m talking about your regular ol bra that has straps and underwire to hold up your boobs, and padding to squish them together. I of course still wear a sports bra when I go for my runs, but I don’t even wear those for other exercise related activities like yoga or pilates. I like my lovely lady lumps to be as free as possible when I move.
Here are the things I hate about bras:
They are uncomfortable.
That’s just not how natural breasts look.
They’re dumb as shit.
It all started 5 years ago in Austin Texas. I got home from bar tending at around 3 AM and was so exhausted from work that I passed right out in my clothes, bra included. When I woke up in the morning my chest was in so much pain from the wires of the bra digging into me.
I got up and took off my clothes. There were bright angry red marks all around my beautiful boobies. It was horrifying! I threw my bra across the room and yelled “I hate these stupid things!”. That’s when it all hit me. I had despised them my whole life so why the hell was I wearing them?
The first thing that popped into my head was, ‘so I don’t get saggy tits’. Some googling quickly showed that there is really no proof that wearing a bra will prevent you from getting saggy breasts, in FACT the restriction of blood flow that underwire bras can cause could result in sadder, less healthy, and perky boobs.
Wow.
I closed my computer and tried to think of any other reason that I should wear them. ‘Guys like the way they make my boobs look’, drifted into my head. Now, I was living with my boyfriend at the time and was pretty sure he would still stay with me if I stopped wearing bras, but I was also very aware that I was living off of tips from bartending. Unfortunately pretty much all of my big tips came from males. But the truth was that I didn’t like the way underwire padded bras made my ladies look, I never had. I adored it when I could wear a soft cotton t-shirt at home and catch the natural curve of my little ones in the mirror, or see the beginnings of little peaks forming when the AC came on.
I decided to test it out. I had that night off and we were supposed to go out to a local bar for a friends Birthday. I gathered all my bras and shoved them in a bag in the back of my closet. I selected a thin, soft, tank top that came up high on my neck, but allowed for just a hint of side boob. I looked in the mirror and thought ‘damn, I look hot’. Sure, the twins looked tiny AF, and were chilling in a lower position than usual, but the side boob was kind of sexy. However, the AC turned on and in a couple minutes my nips were taking over the show. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I dug out some small nipple stickers and put them on under my shirt. Done.
Now I pause here because you’re probably thinking, when do the banana muffins come into all this?
Don’t worry, I’ll get there I promise.
So, I go out to the bar honestly feeling a little naked, but oh so comfortable and free in the warm Austin air. (There is just nothing worse than wearing a bra in the heat, am I right? I still have nightmares about that.) Within the first 10 minutes at the party I had two girls come up to me and ask where I got my top and that they loved my style. Even funnier was when I was on my way home later that night and got a text from one of my friends saying that her boyfriend had asked her if I had gotten a boob job. Hilarious, but my ego was satisfied. I looked down lovingly at Mary-Kate and Ashely and then turned to my boyfriend and told him I was never going to wear a bra again and if he was cool with it, and he said ‘Ummm sure’.
I went into my closet when I got home, grabbed the bag of bras, and threw them in the trash. That’s right, in the trash, I wasn’t going to donate them and be the provider of anymore boobie torture devices.
I can honestly say that was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my entire life. I know that sounds crazy but it’s true. Never again would I take off my clothes and have unflattering marks around my rib cage and breasticles. My posture improved, my mood improved, the Austin heat was way more bearable, and I felt sexier than ever. Once I got used to the feeling of not wearing a bra it was so absurd to think that I had been in so much unnecessary discomfort for the past 14 years of my life. How did that happen?
This is how it happened.
13 year old me saw all my friends starting to wear them and wanted to be included. 13 year old me grew up believing that pushed together breasts were sexy because that’s what Britney was doing and that’s what everyone was wearing. 13 year old me begged my Mama for a training bra.
I grew up overseas, but my Papa was in the United States at the time, so my mom asked him to pick out a couple for me and bring them back. (Sorry Papa LOL). When my dad got back I was so excited I barely gave him a hug before asking for my bras. He proudly pulled them out of his bag and I immediately was devastated. They were sports bras. My world darkened. He saw my disappointment and started explaining that I didn’t need those uncomfortable bras, and that these were way better for me.
And now, like so many times before, I say: Papa, you were right and are a very wise man.
But 13 year old me buried those sports bras deep in my drawer and whined and begged until I convinced my Mama to search the whole city until we found a regular bra small enough to fit me. It was such a sweet memory with my Mama, but man that thing was uncomfortable. All wires and scratchy lace and ouch. I remember thinking it was a clever torture device. She told me over and over again that I really didn’t need to wear it if I didn’t want to, but I was determined. If all the other females were doing this, then I could too. I would force myself to put it on before I left the house, and grit my teeth all day trying not to fidget with it, counting down the minutes until I could take it off. 14 years later I finally did.
Now What?
So, yes I still wear sport’s bras when I run, but purely for comfort. Yes, I have one loose thin bralette that I occasionally wear under white shirts for modesty purposes, I’m not trying to offend anyones G-Ma or Gramp Gramps. And I love my little silicone nipple pasties, they are the best. Even if I like rocking the hard nips, the looks and stares are annoying. Also, sometimes one nip will get hard and the other takes a while to catch up and that looks kinda freaky, anyone else have that happen?
Well anyway, it’s been 5 years of braless bliss and on a vain note, even though I am getting older fo sho, the little ladies have truly never looked better.
So what are the cons?
For me, there are none. But like some ladies I was not blessed with buxom bosoms, and I understand that we all come in different beautiful shapes and sizes. I’m sure there are many women out there that need the extra support to feel comfortable, and to that I would just hope that they entertain the idea of finding a bra that does just that without all the wires and push ups.
I am also sure that there are a lot of women that wear them because they like the way they make their boobs look, or like the way their partner likes the way they make their boobs look. To that I would say AT WHAT COST! Just kidding, kinda. Maybe just wear your sexy push up bra on special occasions?
I am curious with current events how many women have had a chance to get used to what not wearing a bra every day feels like. Perhaps there will be many more free and happy boobies out there when the world gets back to normal. #freetheboobies
Oh ya. Banana Muffins!
I love to cook and came up with this dope gluten free banana muffin recipe that I wanted to share. I thought about starting a cooking blog with recipes, but honestly it’s so annoying how you have to type up this whole long blog post about one lil recipe… Like, I really don’t have that much to say about banana muffins except that like my boobs they are roundish, yummy, and my husband loves them.
Enjoy.
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups gluten free flour (I use Red Mills 1 to 1 Gluten Free Baking Flour)
1/2 cup brown sugar (Sometimes I use 1/3, but I like it a little less sweet)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 ripe bananas
1 large egg
1/3 cup butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Preheat the oven to 375. Get a big bowl. Mash dem bananas up real good with a fork or something. Add the egg, melted butter, and vanilla. I like to use a whisk to get it all mixed up. Add the sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and gluten free flour. Whisk whisk whisk. Fill a muffin pan with cupcake liners and distribute the batter evenly into all 12 liners, (They should be about 2/3 full). Bake for 16 - 20 minutes, or until you can slip a fork in the middle, and it comes out clean. Let cool a lil and then eat like 4 in a row. Also, boobs.